The Truth Laid Bare
by The Liquid Sky
Summary: Scully attempts to have a life, but pays the ultimate price.


Friday Afternoon 4:30 p.m. Dana Scully put her key into the lock, and turned the knob. The room was dark, she'd forgotten to leave the light on for herself. Ever since Melissa was killed, she'd had been leaving the light on. Not that it would make much difference if they really want to kill me, she thought. She flipped the lamp on beside the telephone, the answering machine flashed red insistently, messages waiting for her attention. She kicked off her shoes, stumbled into the kitchen, and poured herself a shot of scotch. After today, I need music and scotch. Much more scotch, she thought. She made her way over to the stereo, and picked up a large bundle of mail that had accumulated over the last week.Trash, trash, and more trash, why can't I get meaningful mail? You have to give to receive, her mind added."Shut up!" She snapped, then giggled at her outburst. Who am I talking to? She poured another shot into her glass, and drifted into her bedroom. The sounds of Stan Getz filtered through the air, and she quickly changed into sweat pants, and her F.B.I. academy sweatshirt. She put together a load of laundry, gathered her detergent, and fabric softener, and headed towards the basement. Dana looked to the left and right of her, there was no one in the laundry. Thank God, she thought. If I had to make small talk with any of these losers right now I would surely die. She pushed the coin slot in, and heard the water start. One load of laundry she thought, then maybe a movie. Or maybe I'll catch up on that novel I started. She climbed the stairs shakily, pulling her hair back into a ponytail with an elastic that she'd found in her sweat pants. She pushed her door open, and saw Mulder sitting on her couch. "Jesus, Mulder! You scared me." Her hand grasped her throat, and she felt the blood draining from her cheeks as she swayed uneasily in the doorway. " Sorry, I saw your light on, but you didn't answer." He picked up her shot glass and sniffed it. " Do you have anymore?" " It's in the kitchen, I'll get it for you. Is something wrong Mulder? I wasn't expecting company this evening." " I can see that. Very cute sweats by the way." She tugged at the drab grey sweatshirt, and pushed a stray hair behind her ear. " Like I said, I wasn't expecting anyone. " She stepped into the kitchen and reached for a glass in the cabinet above her sink. She could feel his eyes on her as she stretched to reach the glass. She knew that he was smirking, and she felt self conscious as she did a little hop to reach the stack of shot glasses that she'd had since college. " I can get that for you Scully." He stepped behind her, and reached over her head. She backed into him, and away from him quickly, as if burned. " I can get it Mulder." She tried to keep the irritation from her voice, but was unsuccessful. You can really make me feel small you know, Mulder? She thought. He saw the agitation on her face, and took a step towards the door. " Scully, are you drunk?" " I'm FINE, Mulder." " I should have called first, you're obviously busy, I'll go." " You came all this way, it must be important. What is it Mulder?" She crossed her arms defensively. Unconsciously protecting herself from his advances. " It's about Devon. A file came across my desk right after you left. I would have called, but I had to run an errand in the neighborhood." " This can't wait until Monday?" She thrust her chin out. How dare he expect that she would just drop everything to devote her off hours to this stupid case. " I think that if you'll read the tox screen that I received, we can wrap this case up this evening. I can go home and type up the report, and you can sleep in Monday morning. Maybe sleep this off. Scully, you've been really-" " Where is this file?" She put her hand up between them as she walked past him into the living room. I can't believe how angry I still am. I shouldn't give a damn who he is seeing; and I guess that I wouldn't if it weren't that bitch, she thought. And if he hadn't left me to go running off to her bed within the spanse of one hour.She picked up the manilla folder that sat on her cocktail table. She flipped through to the toxicology report, and read off the list of chemicals. " Well no wonder he bled out while they were working on him. This means that we're probably dealing with a vampire cult. That's a lot of Coumadin." She saw the puzzled look on his face. "It's an anti-coagulant. They would have wanted him to bleed freely until their ceremony was finished. Someone in that circle is a medical doctor. This also means that we have an attempted murder here instead of an incidence of the paranormal." " Precisely my thought, and I know exactly who we should be looking for. I'm going to send a team out to arrest Jacob Krable tonight. That's all that I had, I can see myself out." " It's all right, I have to put my laundry in the dryer anyway." " Scully, wait." He took her arm and led her back to her sofa." I know that I'm probably the last person that you want to talk to right now, but if there's something that you want to say about what happened I want to listen." " Mulder, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine." She couldn't bring herself to look at him. Either of him. He was right about being the last person that she wanted to talk to. She'd been angry with him for the better part of two weeks, and he was just noticing that something was wrong.This is so unlike me to pout over him, she thought. I know who and what he is, why do I even bother wasting my time on him? She bit her lip as he stared at his hands. " Scully I know how you feel about Diana, and I know that I should have told you before we-" She felt the bile rising in her throat at the mention of that woman's name. " You're being a bit presumptuous aren't you? That would imply that I give a damn about you beyond our working relationship. I rely on you for backup, just like you rely on me. That's the extent of my care, do you understand? It was just a fuck. No big deal." " I'm not sure what Diana has done to you, but if this is just some catty jealousy thing because you won't have me all to yourself anymore, then I think that maybe we need to take a break from working with each other." " Fine with me Mulder, according to the rest of the world, I'm wasting my time with you anyway. Please leave now. I have plans." She shoved him out the door, slammed it, and locked it behind him. God! His nerve, she thought. Damn him! Damn you Fox Mulder. She slid down the door and landed with a thud. I am so fucking stupid for thinking that he meant anything that he's ever said to me. The telephone rang, and she thought about not answering it. It continued to ring, and she got up from the floor, wiped her eyes, and took the phone from it's cradle. " Scully." She took a deep breath, and waited for a reply. I can't handle Mulder right now Lord, please don't be him, she thought. " Dana?" It's Stephen Cambridge from Trinity hospital, I told you that I'd call you tonight to see if you'd be interested in a few drinks." She tried to put a face with the name and accent but was drawing a blank. Mulder has me so fucked up, she thought. " Yes, I remember, I'm sorry Stephen things are a little bit weird right now, is there any chance I can take a rain check?" " Uh, sure, Is there anything I can help you with?" " No, It's work related. I-" She thought about Mulder. Probably running off to be with Diana as we speak. Well nuts to you Fox Mulder. " Stephen, I don't feel like going out, but how would you feel about coming here for a few drinks? Maybe we could rent a movie or something." " Sure, just give me your address." Dana gave him her address, and asked him to give her an hour to finish tidying up. She showered and changed, took her clothes from the dryer, and put on some up tempo music. Stephen rang the doorbell shortly after seven, and she checked her makeup in the mirror before answering. I hope he won't be able to tell that I was crying earlier, she thought. She answered the door, and instantly remembered the handsome young man standing in her hallway. His longish blond hair was brushed back, and she gave him the once over. Melissa would have called you rugged outdoorsy climber boy, she thought. " Come on in, can I get you something to drink? I have Chardonnay, Heineken, Pellegrino." " I brought some wine if you don't mind. I'd like to try this with you. You look fantastic by the way." "Thank you, you look very nice too. I haven't ever seen you out of your surgical scrubs." " You're in some sort of law enforcement I thought you said?" " Yes, F.B.I. I'm an Agent, but I hope that that doesn't intimidate you." " I have nothing to hide." He opened the wine and began to look around. " Oh yes, glasses, we need glasses." She looked guiltily at the two glasses that sat on the edge of her sink, then mentally shrugged it away. " Is that Merlot? I have some red wine glasses in the dining room, I'll be back, please make yourself at home." Stephen went into the living room and began reading the spines of her books. " I see we have similar taste in books, and it would appear music as well. I absolutely adore Count Basic." " Um, yes, I love jazz, all types of jazz as you can see." She handed him a glass of wine, and sipped from her own. " So what part of England are you from?" " I grew up in Birmingham. A small town called West Hollywood, I'm sure that you've never heard of it." " You're right." She nodded and pulled the Count Basic CD down from the shelf. " Shall I put something on?" " That would be great. So, you're a medical doctor yet you chase criminals for a living. What made you change your mind?" " Trying to get out from under an oppressive man, I guess. My father had high aspirations for me from the time I was very small. I can remember hearing him brag to his friends that Dana was going to be his little surgeon. I can still see the look on his face when I told him that I was going to the academy. I think the shock was both my job choice and also the fact that he had just received my first bill from medical school." " Oh no, I remember the day my mum and dad received my tuition bills, it was horrendous, I thought, I had better go to America and let things settle down for a while." I'm sure he's gotten over it by now though right? He must be very proud of his Agent daughter." " My father passed away a few years ago." " I'm so sorry." " It's okay, I'm better with it. Hey, can I interest you in something to eat? I can whip something up, or I can call for Chinese or Indian." " If you don't mind, I'd rather spend the time talking with you. Maybe you could call for Indian?" " Okay." She went to the kitchen to retrieve her copy of Anand's menu. He's cute, employed, normal. Dear God, he's normal!, she thought. I could really get used to this. She handed him the menu, and he picked something out immediately. She picked out her favorite, and picked up the phone. " I see you have your favorites circled here." " Uh, oh, those, those are my partner's favorites, occasionally he comes over and we work...it runs into dinner sometimes. Yes, I'd like to place an order for delivery." She watched him as he went to her fireplace and started a fire. He rolled up his sleeves, and Scully could see the toned muscles of his forearm. Maybe he is a climber, she thought. " Uh, yes, that's correct, and two samosas. Thank you." She went into the living room, and sat down beside him on the floor. " That will take about 35 minutes they're really good so it will be worth the wait." " I'm not in any hurry." Dana felt warm suddenly, and reached for her wine glass. He has amazing eyes, she thought. Nearly the same shade of blue as my own. I could spend a lot of time staring into those eyes. She looked up at him , and found him staring at her. " I'm glad that you didn't turn me down. I have been attracted to you for a very long time." " I'm very flattered, Stephen. I have to say the first time that I saw you, I was set back a bit." " Thank you." He blushed a little. How sweet, she thought. " I'll bet you have some pretty amazing stories being in law enforcement." " You wouldn't believe how true that statement is." Their meal arrived, and was eaten. Scully was putting the last of the paper plates in the trash when Stephen took her hand. " We could dance." " That would be nice." He led her out to the living room, and she turned up the music. He twirled her into the crook of his arm, then spun her out again. She had become lightheaded again from the wine. The food had helped, but she was still buzzy, and he was so *Not* like Mulder. Mulder who? she heard herself ask. Then he had his arms around her waist, and his mouth on hers, and she did not push him away. Dana pulled him closer, and opened her mouth to kiss him more deeply. He laid her on the floor beside the fire and began kissing her neck. " We can go much more slowly if you'd like." He whispered. " Let's just see where this road takes us, Stephen." I am so sick of thinking things through, for once I want to go with my heart, she thought. But Mulder has your heart Dana. Had it! She amended. If he could treat me so callously, I can be twice as cold. This might just give me the courage that I need to tell Mulder to go to Hell. Take his quest and shove it up his- " Dana, is something wrong? You've gone all tense." " Nothing's wrong, I'm starting to get a chill, the fire's dying. Maybe we could move this to my bedroom?" " Like I said, we can go slowly if you'd like." " Stephen, no more talking, okay?" She placed her finger to his lips, and he kissed it. Two hours later: The phone had been ringing for five minutes, and she thought about unplugging it. God, I know that's Mulder, I can just feel it, well, I hope your evening was crappy. She felt Stephen stirring beside her, and she smiled at the feeling of his arms around her. She decided to unplug the phone when she heard a knock at her front door. Knowing Mulder he'll just use his key. I have to remember to get that back from him. She got out of the bed, and reached for her robe.She could hear the keys jangling in the front door. I'm going to kill that Son of a Bitch. It would serve him right if I shot him again. I could just say I thought it was an intruder. Skinner would back me up. She dashed out to the living room to find Mulder coming in the front door. " What the hell do you think you're doing?" " That's my question for you. Is he still here?" " And what if he is? Mulder this is none of your damned business.You can't just keep showing up here whenever you feel like it. I have a right to a private life just like you, if you can't respect that, then I suggest you find yourself another partner. I will not live in the shadow of you always trying to defend and protect me. You don't know a damned thing about me Mulder, and I'd like to keep it that way. You-" " Since when did you start fucking our suspects?" " Excuse me? Suspected of what?" " Look, why don't you just step out into the hallway, and let me arrest him, then I'll explain all of this to you." Two other agents walked towards them with their weapons drawn, and nodded towards Mulder. Mulder nodded back. " No! You'll explain this now. This is just your idea of revenge for me trying to have a life away from you.The thought of me being with someone else is killing you. Well get used to it *FOX*." " Damn it, Scully!" He pulled her out into the hallway, and drew his gun. He rushed into her apartment, and ran towards her bedroom. Stephen was putting on his jacket. " Hold it right there. You're under arrest for the murder of Devon Lancaster." The two agents with Mulder went behind Stephen and handcuffed him. The second agent in charge continued reading him his rights, as they led him out of Dana's apartment. Stephen wouldn't look at her as they pushed him down the hall. Scully rolled her eyes at the scene, and went back into her apartment. Mulder was standing in the living room. " Leave my key by the door on your way out." " Scully, let me explain." " No! Just leave, just-" She held her hands up and squeezed her eyes shut to emphasize her point. " Like I said, just leave." " If you'll give me a chance to explain, you'll see that your Dr. Cambridge was really Jacob Krable. The team went to arrest him, but they followed him hoping that he would lead them to the rest of the cult members, but he led them here. Clark called me to make sure that you were safe. You could have been killed. Or worse still, if you've had sex with him, you could have contracted-" " Shut Up! I told you to leave, I meant it." " I was only trying to help." " That's all you're ever trying to do Mulder." She sank onto her couch and drew her legs up underneath her. Mulder took her key from his ring and placed it on the table beside the phone. " I wish that you would let me take you to the hospital for a rapid HIV test." " I'm fine Mulder, I didn't have sex with him, are you happy?" " No Scully, I'm not happy. I'm very sorry that you won't talk to me. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me." " Hmph, Diana's." " Scully, may I ask you when you plan to get over this? You said it meant nothing to you-" " You're right. I have nothing else to say to you, Mulder, close the door behind you and please don't ever let me see your face again." Mulder looked around Scully's apartment one last time, and saw her brushing tears away quickly. " If it means anything to you at all, I will always love you. I hope that you know that." He closed the door behind him with a soft click. She stood up and locked the door quickly. His words echoed in her ears as her stomach churned. 'I love you' yeah right. You love me so much that you're sleeping with Diana Fowley. You love me so much that you don't even notice that I love you too. She rushed towards the bathroom and hung her head over the sink as the nausea overcame her. Monday afternoon 1:30 J.Edgar Hoover Building Basement Offices. Scully put her laptop in the cardboard box that was filled with her personal possessions. After three hours of agonizing discussions with the Section Chief, she was free. Mulder was called in to report as her supervisor, but he declined. All of the secretaries were buzzing as she exited the elevator with her box. It was filled with six years of memories, cases that they'd worked on, photos of her family, her collection of coffee mugs. Mulder got her a coffee mug for every holiday. Birthday, Christmas, even Hanukkah, no matter what. She had stacked them in a pyramid and left them on his desk, but then thought better of it. I can be the bigger person, she thought. She waited for the elevator door to open to the garage, and stared down at her feet. As the door slid open, Diana Fowley stepped towards her. "Oh, Sorr- Oh, Agent Scully, or should I just call you Ms. Scully? I didn't get a chance to congratulate you. I heard that you're moving on. That's great, you know, getting a fresh start in a new place will really do wonders for you." " Yes, I imagine that you're quite pleased to find me leaving." " You bet your ass, I'm pleased. I won't have to share Fox with you anymore. You can't know how annoying it is to know that he's thinking of you while he's making love to me. But that won't last long. You'll be a distant memory in a matter of weeks. So, goodbye and good riddance." " You're pathetic. You know that's what prostitutes do, they act as stand-ins. Substitutes for the real thing. You've reduced yourself to being a whore. That's why I feel sorry for you." " If that was the case then why isn't he with you?" " You know Diana, you may have the man, but you will never have his heart. He's better than that. He will never give it to you, and you will wait and wait but he will never let you in." " So you think you have his heart, is that it? He never even uses your first name." " How sad that you don't know a thing about Fox Mulder, yet you claim to love him." " I know as much as any wife knows about her husband." Scully felt her heart lurch. Had they gotten married over the weekend? It couldn't be. Mulder wouldn't do that...but what if he had just because he couldn't have her. " Oh you look shocked. He never told you that he and I were married at one time?" " It's none of my business, and I don't particularly care what Mulder does anymore." " It won't be long before I'm Mrs. Mulder again, hey, maybe we'll send you an invitation. Would that be gauche?" " Go to hell Diana." Scully pushed past her and headed towards her car. She fumbled with the keys and pushed them into the lock. Once inside her car, she began to sob. She sat in her car crying for a long time. There was a tapping on her window, and she looked up quickly. Assistant Director Skinner signaled for her to open the passenger door. She pressed the automatic lock, and he slid in beside her. "Agent Scully, what the hell is going on between you and Agent Mulder what's with your resignation?" " Sir I explained all of this to the Section Chief. I don't want to have to relive this again and again." " Well, just go through this one more time for me. I deserve to know why my best Agent has taken off so suddenly. Is something going on between you and Mulder?" " Why does everyone assume that something is going on between Mulder and me. Why can't I just be sick of this damned quest. I'd like to find something a little more rewarding to do with my life before I become trapped in this dead end position. Mulder and I have just reached a point where it would be detrimental to the workplace if we continue our partnership." "Okay. That satisfies Assistant Director Skinner. So what's really going on? The truth Dana, I consider myself your friend, I hope that you would be comfortable enough to talk to me. What has Mulder done?" " Sir-" " Walter." " Walter, I don't want to go into this. Let's just say that I am really disappointed in his behavior lately and that he and I have some differences that cannot be reconciled." " He's been asking about you. He was in my office the moment that he heard about your resignation." " I'm not surprised. He likes to keep a tight rein on things, and when things get beyond his control, he goes ballistic." " He really cares about you Dana." " You know Walter, there was a time when I believed that that was true. I don't believe that anymore. I really need to be going, I told my landlord that he could start showing my apartment tomorrow, I'd like to finish moving. Would you do me a favor?" She took the keys from the car's ignition, and pulled a key from the ring. " Would you make sure that Mulder gets his key back?" " Scully, have you decided where you're moving to yet?"" No offense sir, but I don't want you to have a moment of weakness and tell Mulder where to find me. I'm not telling anyone where I'm moving to. Except my mother and only her because I know that she'll respect my wishes. Besides, I haven't really made any firm plans." " Well, if you ever need anything, a job reference, or a shoulder in the middle of the night, I can be there for you. You just call me, okay. You were one of the finest Agents I've ever worked with, and I'm going to miss you." " Thank you Sir, I'm going to miss you too." He shook her hand and climbed out of the car. Scully started the engine and drove home leaving the F.B.I. behind. Part Two One Year Later Cincinnati, Ohio 6:30 a.m. Dana shoved her gym bag into the backseat of her car, and drove home. She had just enough time to shower and dress before her first class began. Three hours stood between her and Spring Break, and her students' anticipation had rubbed off on her. Maybe I will go to Mexico after all, she thought. She headed up the stairs and turned the doorknob. Her Yorkie, Scooter bounded towards her, and she threw her gym bag into the closet next to the front door. Yep, she thought. Not too shabby. The anniversary of her leaving Mulder was approaching. She had been thinking about it in passing lately, and as the months flew by, the stabbing pain in her heart had become a dull ache. I'm okay. I didn't need him after all. She showered, ate breakfast, and dressed quickly, hoping to answer a few student E-mails before her first lecture. As she put her briefcase into her BMW, she had the sensation that she was being watched. She looked up and down the street expecting to see The Smoking Man, Alex Krycek or any number of people who had wanted to harm her. She had nightmares the first few weeks that she'd moved into her home, but they subsided along with the panic attacks, and the night sweats. The only reminder that she had of her past life was the lingering pain in her heart every time she thought of him. She didn't see anything out of the ordinary, so she climbed into her car. The drive to UC would only take 5 minutes or so if she caught all of the lights. She pulled into the faculty parking lot, shut the engine down, and grabbed her briefcase. There was the uneasy feeling of being watched again as she ascended the stairs to the third floor where her office was located. The morning passed quickly as she lectured the third year students on the effects of the environment on determining time of death in the field. They were fidgeting en masse, and just to be nice, she told them, they could leave 1/2 an hour early. Her real reason was that she was unnerved by someone lurking in the back of the auditorium. The dark hair caught her eye, and then the prominent nose, but he was too far away to be sure. It has to be the anniversary thing. That's all it is, she thought. She quickly locked up her office, and headed down to the parking lot, wanting to get home as soon as possible. She wanted to leave the lights off, and sit in the dark listening to music. Things that she never would have listened to in her past life. That is how she often referred to it. The past life. She pulled into her driveway, not bothering to pick up the mail that spilled out of her box. Dana hurried into the house, slammed the door, and burst into tears. Why is this happening to me? She thought. One student who happened to look a lot like Mulder, and I fall to pieces. God, what the hell is wrong with me? She went to the first floor bathroom and wet her face. The cold water felt good on her burning cheeks, and her eyes weren't quite as red as before. She heard Scooter barking in the backyard, and peeked out the kitchen window. There was a white cat crossing on top of the neighbors plank fence, and Scooter jumped for all he was worth. She poked her head out of the door, and called the dog inside. No sense irritating the neighbors today. I just want to crawl into bed, and then I will paint my toe nails, and eat ice cream right out of the carton, she thought. Her thoughts drifted to her mother, and then to that Friday when Mulder burst into her apartment to arrest Stephen. She could still remember what had gotten her so angry with Mulder, and she thought back to earlier that afternoon when they were having lunch on the bench at the Reflecting Pool. Mulder had brought her a tomato sandwich with sprouts, cucumber, and pickles. He was having pizza again for the third day in a row. He'd splurged and bought her a mango smoothie, and she had smiled at his thoughtfulness. She felt his hand on her knee while she ate, this was a liberty that she allowed him in public. Two weeks prior to this lunch, she and Mulder had been in the office late one evening. She had decided to call it a day when he stopped her on the way out the door. He stepped towards her, placed his arms around her, and kissed her. Her head was swimming with desire, as his hands traveled up her thigh, to the growing moistness that he caused. He laid her down on her desk, and made love to her tenderly, crying out as he came within her, in gentle waves. She held him as he buried his face in the space between her neck and her chin. He kissed her softly, tasting the salt on her skin. Dana thought back to the tenderness in his eyes as he helped her down from the desk, and pulled her blouse back together. She kissed him again, and felt him withdrawing from her. That should have been my first clue she thought. I never should have pushed him. She thought back to that Friday on the bench. His hand on her knee. " You know, Scully, about last week, I - I may have been hasty. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that. What I'm saying Scully is, I can't promise you anything. I can't promise that this means that we can be together. I should have told you this before, but Diana and I-" She hadn't waited to hear the rest. The truth was laid bare for all to see. He had been using her to fulfill a crushing need, and that was all. No sentimentality, no I love you's, no promises. She ran back to the office feeling stupid. Feeling duped. Like the biggest sucker at the Carnival. Step right up and take a look at the world's most gullible woman. She vowed that she wouldn't let it get to her. That she could put this behind them. I can be professional about this. But as the day progressed, Mulder's stupid remarks, and his constant badgering got to her. She packed her briefcase and headed for Casey's bar. The bartender recognized her and began to pour a Heineken. " Nope, today, I'm having Scotch and soda. Hold the soda." " A little strong for you. You lookin' to get plowed or what?" She nodded. " Got anymore questions?" He was quiet as he slid the shot glass across the bar. She laid a twenty down and tossed the shot of Scotch down quickly. Her throat clenched, and she had to force herself to swallow. After the burning subsided a bit, she asked for a double. And then another. Fuck you Fox Mulder, she thought. " Yeah, Fuck you!" She said aloud. Dana began to undress as the doorbell chimed. Who could that be? she thought. She zipped her skirt back up, and went to the front door. She gasped as Mulder stood in front of her. " You've got mail." He attempted to hand her the stack of items from her mailbox but she could not raise her arm from her side. " What are you doing here?" Her voice was thick with unshed tears, and he reached out to touch her. She backed away, and began to close the door. He pressed the door open and stepped inside. " I've been looking for you for a very long time. You made it difficult to track you when you left me." " Yes, I left you. Don't you get it? I don't want anything to do with you and I don't want to have to deal with this now. I have moved on, why can't you?" He dropped his head and stared down at his feet. "Because I'm dying." She reached back to catch herself as her legs went weak, but there was nothing behind her. Mulder stepped forward and helped her sit on the floor. " Uh-Of, Of what ?" " I found out a few days before we made love in the office. I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to know what it was like to be with you even if it was only one time. I thought that it would be easier if I just stayed with Diana, I didn't give a damn about her Scully, I just couldn't stand the thought of making you watch me die." " What is it? Are they sure?" " Ironically enough, it's my heart. I contracted endocarditis, and the swelling caused the degeneration of the mitral valve. I had surgery last year to replace the valve, but that degenerated too. My doctor is being very kind, but not very optimistic." " I don't know what to say Mulder." " You don't have to say anything. I didn't come here to intrude on your new life, I realize that you've moved on. I knew that I had crushed you when I found out that you'd changed your name to evade me. Skinner came to see me just before I had the first surgery. He asked me why I hadn't done more to stop you from leaving, or why I hadn't tried to bring you back. That's when I told him about my condition and what had happened between us. He told me that what I had done to you was lousy and that if I ever hoped to earn his respect back that I should attempt to find you and apologize for what I did. Like I said, I'm not here to intrude, I just had to make my peace with you. You're still very beautiful by the way." He stood up and walked towards the door. " I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me for what I've done to you and I hope that you won't let that be the only thing that you remember about me." He closed the door and walked out leaving her stunned and sitting on the floor in her foyer. It was evening before Dana realized that she was still sitting on the floor. Scooter was whimpering in the kitchen, patiently waiting to be fed. She felt her knees throb from hours of disuse as she stood. She could still feel his hands on the small of her back where he'd stopped her from falling. Those same hands that had cupped her breasts while they made love on the desk in their office. She saw his hand on her knee just before he told her about Diana. She remembered Stephen's hands on her and the moment just before she'd stopped him; thoughts of Mulder's hands and mouth had made it impossible for her to go any further. She thought of the look on Mulder's face when she told him that she never wanted to see him again, and she felt the shattering realization mingled with relief when he declined to attend her resignation hearing. The past year rushed over her like a freight train, severing the limbs of her new life, leaving her a mangled wreck by the side of the road. She ascended the staircase clutching the bannister for dear life. Her bedroom was dark, and as she flipped the switch to light it, unfamiliar objects greeted her. New bed. New vanity. New life. She stared into the mirror blankly,her own image reflected. Thoughts of packing up, loading her car. She remembered the day that she handed the keys over to her landlord, the key that she'd given Mulder dangled from a separate clip. She remembered looking back from her rearview mirror as she headed southwest out of town. No regrets she'd thought. Dana wiped her eyes again, undressed, and took a hot shower; unsure of her next move. Is there a next move? She thought. He said what he came to say. She knelt in the back of the shower facing the wall, letting the hot water carry her into the drain in tiny pieces as her mind shouted at her. I can let him go. I will let him go. He let me go first. I would never have left you Fox, I would never have put you through what I've been going through. Tell him that, her mother's voice added. It was the first quiet voice that she'd heard in the last hour. Remember when you were sick? Remember how defeated and scared and angry you were? Remember that Dana? Do you remember how you thought that it would have been easier if you just refused to eat, or if you had stolen someone's meds. Can you see the way that you were those bleak days when he sat beside you and held on to you? Snatching you from death at the last moment, claiming you in a sense. Proclaiming that the life that you possessed was not ready to end, giving you a reason to make it. You owe him the same. You can put the pain aside and give him what he needs, a reason Dana. No one else can give this to him. But he hurt me, she heard herself say. I would never have given myself to him if I'd known that he was going to push me away. Maybe he knew that. Maybe the thought of never having loved you scared him into doing what he ordinarily would not have done. Love is so life affirming Dana, you know that. Maybe Fox had resigned himself to death and thought that he could live one last time with you. I need time Mom, I can't just run to him. Does he have time, Dana? While you are nursing your pride, and screwing up your courage to face him again. Do you really think he was only using you that night? His voice drifted to her from the doorway of her old apartment. "If it means anything to you at all, I will always love you, I hope that you know that." Why didn't I realize it then? She thought. He was trying to make me understand that he loved me despite what his actions said. Diana's voice came to her out of the distance. " I won't have to share Fox with you anymore. You can't know how annoying it is to know that he's thinking of you while he's making love to me." I couldn't see past my own indignation. It was right there the entire time. Even Diana had to admit that he loved me, not her. So why didn't I see it? She turned the water off and climbed out of the shower. Certain of her next move for the first time in over a year. She dressed quickly, feeling time slip through her fingers in a way that she'd only felt once before. After putting on lipstick and brushing her hair, she picked up the telephone book and flipped to "Hotels." Starting with A, she pressed the numbers and waited. " Hello, do you have a guest registered under the name of Fox Mulder?" The Cincinnatian Hotel Front Lobby. 6:22 P.M. Dana went to the front desk and looked around the lobby, the house phone was next to the front desk. She picked it up, and pressed zero. " Hi, could you ring Mr. Mulder and tell him that Katherine McKenna, I mean Dana Scully is here to see him please." The operator told her to hold while she called him. " Mr. Mulder said for you to come on up. He's in room 229." " Thank you." Dana hung up the phone and took the elevator to the second floor. Mulder was waiting in the hallway as she rounded the corner. " You certainly have changed your taste in hotels." " I figured since the end is near, I better start treating myself better. There aren't any "Magic Fingers" so don't get any ideas." He took her coat as she stepped into the suite. It was done in white, cream, and gold. Mulder had started a pile of sunflower seeds on the bedside table. He pointed at a sofa, and she sat down next to him. She took a closer look at him and discovered that he had lost weight. His cheeks were hollow, and his eyes had dark circles under them. She saw his hands shaking, and he swallowed nervously before offering her a drink. He noticed her staring at him and tried to make a joke. " You know it's really not so bad, people in restaurants always give me larger portions. I guess they think I'm anorexic or something." " Mulder, I came here tonight to clear some things up with you. I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll just start back in our office that night that we...you know." She couldn't look at him. " Yeah." " Anyway, um, I-- Making love with you was something that I had thought about. It was something that I definitely wanted. But I didn't-I wasn't expecting you to-You didn't have to push me away. What I'm trying to say is I would have stayed no matter what, and you were extremely selfish in deciding for me that it would be best if I didn't have to watch you die. I can't believe that you kept that from me. That's the part that makes this so very hard. You knew while you were touching me that it would be the last time, Mulder, that was so unfair. I loved you-I still love you, and that was the most intimate that I have ever been with anyone. You owe me more than an apology. You owe me an explanation as to how you could be so thoughtless about my feelings." " I didn't think I was being thoughtless. I saw it as being merciful. I know what I went through when I thought that you were going to die. I was in agony and I didn't want you to go through that. Scully, I've spent the last year wishing that I would die so I could forget the look on your face when you told me you never wanted to see me again. That was the second hardest day of my life. Do you know what went through my mind after Dr. Calloway told me how sick I was?" She shook her head. His eyes were glittering, and she looked away again. " That I was never going to have the kind of relationship that I wanted with you. I wanted to shout to the world how unfair this was. We were meant for each other. At least that was what I had always believed, and now, you would never be my girlfriend or wife, or the mother of my children...I didn't know what else to do. I handled things badly and I apologize." " I never knew that those were things that you had in mind." " You thought it was-how did you put it? Just a fuck. No Scully. I've loved you for years, you never seemed to care." " I never knew when you were kidding and when you were serious. I was still waiting for you to say it was a joke all the way up until you put your hand up my skirt." " How have you been Scully?" " I was okay. I wasn't happy, I wasn't miserable, I was just okay.Which meant that I was alive and that was about all. Has your doctor said anything about replacing the valve again?" " Of course, he's willing to keep replacing it as long as the integrity of the structure around the valve is sound, but I told him no. I didn't want to go through with it." She placed her hand on his leg, and he covered her hand with his own. " Mulder, I think that you should reconsider. You have more to live for than you know." " Is this advice from a concerned friend, or are you asking me to stick around for your sake?" Dana laughed at him, crossed the room to the mini-bar, and poured two drinks. " Well, you haven't changed one bit. Always analyzing everything I say." " You do it too." He took the drink from her and began sipping it. " Wait, you probably shouldn't be drinking with your medication." " It's all right. I don't think one drink is going to hurt. So tell me, where'd the name McKenna come from?" " It's my grandmother's maiden name. How did you find me? I covered my tracks fairly well." " I didn't try to find you right away. I had to have surgery, then recover. In fact, I wasn't going to look for you at all. I wanted you to go on with your life without me. Then Skinner said something that made everything clear for me. He told me what you said about me being a great source of comfort and support for you and your family when you thought that you were nearing the end. He reminded me that I had just thrown in the towel without a fight and you know that's not like me Scully, I was just so tired of fighting for everything that I have, the idea of fighting for my own life didn't even occur to me. I wanted to die Scully. I still don't know if I want to go on. I think it would be easier if I just fade into the sunset and those miserable bastards will have exactly what they've wanted all along." " Is there anything that I can say that would change your mind?" " You mean like 'You have so much to live for', or begging me to stick around so that I can watch you marry someone else? No thanks." " I didn't quite mean it like that. Listen, maybe it was a mistake for me to come here. You're obviously still bitter about what's happened. I don't blame you Mulder, I was bitter too. But acceptance is the only path to living with the time that you do have left. I could be killed on my way home tonight, but I can't live like that. I have to put that in the back of my mind and enjoy the fact that I spent the evening with my best friend. " Scully, I'm not bitter. I'm-" His voice caught, and she looked over at him. His face was contorted, and a tear slid down his cheek. He lifted one shaking hand and wiped it away. " I'm sorry. I squandered one whole year of life with you in exchange for pride and I'm choking on that pride now." " I'm here now and I won't leave you. Sit down." " I didn't want you to have to play nurse-maid, I wanted to take this on myself, and whatever happened happened, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. I kept seeing you with that Stephen Cambridge and anyone else that would fill in the blanks in my visions of you. I tortured myself night after night. You had a right to move on, but I guess in my arrogance, I expected you to stick around anyway. But you didn't." " I couldn't. When you arrested Stephen it was just like my dad going into Melissa's room and throwing out her boyfriends. I was punished right along with her just in case I'd gotten the idea that it was okay. I ran from him, and I ran from you. I know that running isn't the solution, but I couldn't stay in the same city as you if you were going to be with Diana. She told me that you two were married by the way." " Yes. For about three months when I was 22. She and I weren't compatible. She was five years older than me, and things just didn't work out. I don't really know why I thought that they would this time around. She's still the hateful creature that I divorced. Can we talk about something else?" " I have an idea, it's not too late, why don't you come back to my house, I have two guest bedrooms, we can have dinner and catch up on the last year before you go back to Washington." " I'm leaving tonight. I wasn't supposed to leave Washington because of the condition of this valve, but I finally had your address and I couldn't just send a courier with a letter, I knew that I had to see you in person." " I can come with you if you want, I have 10 days off." " No, you know what, to hell with this valve. I want to be with you, and I'm not going to let anything stop me." " Are you sure? I'm just six or eight minutes from University Hospital if something were to-." " I'm sure Scully. Help me pack my bag while I check out." Scully's House 7:30 P.M. " You can choose between this room and the one across the hall from it." " Thanks Scully. You know, I saw that figurine of Verracocha on your mantel, I didn't know that you were into South American folklore." " Hold over from my past life. Are you all right? You look a little pale." " I'm okay. I just need to sit down." He smiled at her. " Can I have some water? I need to take a handful of pills." " Yes, sit right here, I'll get that for you." She went into the kitchen. " Hey Scully, why'd you choose Cincinnati? Of all places." " I was pumping gas at a Kokolene just off the interstate and I promised myself that I would stop when I ran out of gas. But then I figured out that that would be in Indiana, and there wouldn't be any work for me, so I settled for Cincinnati. I knew that there was a large University here, and the hospital is a teaching hospital." " Yep, you used all the tricks to hide your trail, I even had Frohike on the lookout in case you came back to see your mother, but nothing ever panned out." " We always met on Mom's boat on Lake Erie. She bought a place on Swan Island." She went back into the living room and handed him a glass of water." When did you eat last?" " I had a few bananas from the hotel fruit basket. You know, I was really surprised that you came down. When I left here earlier, I really thought it was for the last time." " I couldn't leave you alone at a time like this Mulder, I love you. You're my best friend.You still like Pizza?We could walk down to Uno's and have a deep dish pizza then catch a movie at the Esquire if you're interested. Then how about Graeter's ice cream afterwards? You haven't lived until you've had Graeter's." " I would love to, but I get really tired. It sounds wonderful, but-" " I'll take care of it then. You make yourself at home, and I'll be back as soon as I can." " Scully don't go to any trouble for me." " Mulder you've been nothing but trouble since the day I met you." She kissed his forehead and he squeezed her hand. " Scooter's out back. Don't worry about him. It's supposed to be 62 tonight." " In March?" " The weather here is kind of nutty. Takes a while to get used to. I'll be back." She closed the door and climbed into her car. I won't let you die Mulder, she thought. Just like you pulled me back from the brink, I'm going to do the same for you and we'll be together, I promise. Scully returned to find Mulder sleeping soundly on the couch. For an instant, she thought that he had died while she was out. She set the bags down on the cocktail table and stepped closer to him. He took a deep breath, and turned over and she let out a strained sigh of relief. When she went to put the ice cream in the freezer, she noticed her hands shaking. Hold it together Dana, she thought. He needs your strength if he's going to go on. She went back to the couch and rubbed his left shoulder. He smiled at her touch and turned over. " That didn't take long." " I told you I wouldn't be gone long. Are you still hungry?" " Yeah, ravenous. What's in the Blockbuster bag?" " A movie." " Yeah, I got that part. Which movie?" " Have you ever seen IL Postino?" " Oh No! Subtitles." " Mulder! It's an excellent film, besides, I thought we could use some culture after we watch Planet of the Apes again." " Get Your Hands Off Me You Filthy Ape!" " Good Charlton Heston Mulder, you should have been in Vegas all this time.""Nah, I had my own side show act going. Dish me up some of that pizza woman." " I missed you." She smiled at him. " I missed you too. Don't go getting sappy on me. We have pizza, I'm assuming we have beer, what else? Movies, two fine films to keep us in this evening. Good company, a fireplace, I have my handcuffs, am I forgetting anything?" " Yes. I have an awesome Roman style jacuzzi just perfect for two people." " So we're going to be up all night is what you're getting at." " Maybe.Depends on how long it takes you." " Don't wear me out you know I have a weak heart." He smiled jokingly, but she didn't smile back. " Maybe we should take things a little more slowly. I don't want anything to happen to you. Besides, you need your rest." " I'm not going to let this cause me to be a wet blanket. Besides, I want to do this. I *Need* to do this Scully, thank you for caring so much about me, but I'll be fine. I've decided that I do indeed have a lot to live for. Starting with you if you'll have me. Will you come back to Washington with me?" " No, I can't go back to Washington Mulder, I've started a new life here, people depend on me, I have a mortgage, I have a contract with the university, I--" " I understand." " That doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you. I hope that you're not opposed to me offering you the opportunity to move in with me." " I'm not opposed if it's a genuine offer. Or is this just a courtesy thing?" " I wouldn't ask if I didn't want you here." " Can I have the blue room at the top of the stairs?" " You can have any room in the house that you want." " What about your bedroom?" " Shut up and eat your damned pizza Mulder." She put a tape into the VCR and sat down on the couch next to him. He put his right arm over her shoulder and pulled her closer to him. 1:30 A.M. Scully watched him in the blue grey lighting from the television. The absence of light took away the shadows, but the gauntness in his cheeks was still present. She could see his Adams apple bobbing occasionally when he swallowed, and she moved her head so that she could kiss it. He looked down at her and she kissed his chin, his nose, and finally his mouth. She felt his hand go around to the back of her head and pull her mouth closer as he deepened their kiss. She had visions of being in their office as he laid her back gently onto his desk, hiking her skirt up as she lay moaning, wondering if he was serious. He stood and pulled her up with him. She took his hand and led him up the stairs to the end of the hallway. She groped in the darkness for the light switch, and he whispered that they didn't need it. He undid her jeans and slid them down to the floor. She pulled his t-shirt over his head hating to break their kiss even momentarily. His hands came up to her cheeks, and held them while he planted kiss after kiss on her lips. She undid his jeans, backing into the bed as they slid down his hips. She knelt on the bed and undid her bra as he watched, fascinated. She tossed her bra at him, and he laughed, then went to her side and took her in his arms again.She clung to him, willing his heart to beat, willing death to turn his back on the man that she loved. She whispered a prayer with every kiss that he would live, and when he entered her, she felt as if her prayers would be answered.She felt a tear fall onto her cheek, and realized that it was his and not hers. She held him even tighter. He moved within her, drawing life from her. Replenishing all that was stolen from him the past year. She felt him regaining his strength, and tried to hold onto the image of them holding hands years from now, still together, still happy. He sobbed uncontrollably as he came to the end. She held him quieting him against her breast, kissing his head, and rubbing his back. She held him within her not daring to break the link that joined them in life. She let him go after she heard him sleeping softly, enjoying the feeling of his arms around her as she slept soundly, for the first time in a year. 9:15 A.M. Dana stepped out of the shower and began towel drying her hair. Mulder had still been asleep when she woke up and she decided to catch a quick shower and get started on breakfast. If we time this right, she thought, we could meet with Dr. Sommers before his flight leaves. I should just have Byers send his things out. That will save him the trouble of having to even go back to Washington. She peeked out at him, his brown hair askew and poking from underneath the comforter. Sleepy head. I got less sleep than he did. " Mulder get up, If I have to be awake, you have to be awake." She climbed over him and lay down next to him on the bed. " Mulder come on." She moved the comforter back and gasped. " Mulder?" One Month Later. Swan Island Lake Erie. " Dana, you have a visitor." " Thanks mom." Dana walked out onto the patio of her mother's home and smiled when she saw him. " Hi Dana.You're looking much better since the last time I saw you." " I'm getting better sir." " Walter, please." " What brings you all this way?" " It's not that far. There were some things that I didn't get to give you at the funeral.Things that I thought should wait until you were stronger." He set a yellow package on the table in front of her, and she crossed her arms protectively. " This is stuff that he asked me to give you in case... well, anyway, I hope that there's some measure of comfort there. I know Mulder could be morose."He kissed the top of her head and headed for the door. " I have to tell you Dana, he really loved you I'm just sorry that it took him so long to accept that you could love him too. Take care, if you need anything at all, please call me." " Thank you, Walter. Have a safe trip back." She stared at the package for an eternity, and as the sunlight began to melt into ribbons of pink and violet, she pulled her sweater over her head. Her mother had sensed her need for privacy and had gone to the grocery. Dana picked up the crumpled yellow envelope, and walked into the house. She recognized Mulder's precise handwriting spelling her name on the outside. She sat down on the sofa, undid the clasp,and pulled photos, and letters from within. The photos were of her alone, and with him. Photos that they had taken over the years clowning around in the office with the department's camera. There was a picture of her at a karaoke bar in Cleveland when Mulder had convinced her that she should test out Joy to the World on an audience. I was so drunk, she thought. She thought back to the night that they'd spent in the Florida Everglades. Her arms around him, wishing she had worn something heavier. Listening to him sleep. Watching his chest heave up and down uncomfortably with his wounded shoulder. Deep, wrenching sobs tore from her chest, and she cried for an hour before she could continue going through his things. She picked up the first of the letters and was overcome again. " Dear Dana, How I wish that you had stayed. How I wish that you could know how I feel. Instead, you are a world away from me, and I am dying....." Arlington, VA. Two days later. Scully stood over Mulder's grave, staring at the cold marble, as if reading his name over and over could give meaning to his life; as if it could bring dimension and depth to what had been. Someone had placed a small fragrant bundle of roses on his headstone. Probably his mother, or worse, Diana. She traced his name with her fingers, and knelt down not caring about the damp earth pressing it's way into the knees of her silk slacks. " Mulder why couldn't you have told me? Things would have been so different. You were so damned arrogant to think that you could do this alone, and now you're gone, and I miss you. That last night was wonderful and I'm glad that I was there for you in the end. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I hadn't been. You know when you said that you didn't expect me to come down to your hotel, I wasn't going to. For about ten minutes, I really thought about just letting you go to show you what it was like to be alone. I guess the joke's on me." A breeze kicked up, and she could smell freshly mown grass as the caretaker rode around nearby headstones on his lawn mower. " I got your letters. I finished them on the plane this afternoon. You had no intention of having that valve replaced again did you? Were you lying when you asked me to come back here with you? You knew that I would say no. Skinner gave me the file that you were working on too. I've picked up where you left off. There's still work to be done, I have to find Samantha for you." She sat quietly for a moment as the realization came over her. " I thought that I had given you something that last night when it was you who gave something to me. Mulder you gave me my life back in exchange for your own." Her voice hitched as the full force of his death hit her. Her lip quivered as she took out her phone and dialed Skinner's number. He agreed to pick her up, and as he approached, he understood why she was unable to drive. She had lain on his grave, and was covered in mud and grass clippings. She rocked back and forth clutching a picture of the two of them. A photo that Skinner had taken at the last Christmas party that she and Mulder both attended. He lifted her gently into his arms, and helped her into his car. She stared blankly out the window as he stood solemnly by Mulder's headstone. She could see his mouth moving but couldn't hear what he had said. That was how it happened, she thought, that is how we missed the last year Mulder. I heard without listening. She watched Skinner climb into the seat beside her, his hands reached for the ignition, then hung in the air frozen. " This will get easier you know. Each time you come here brings you closer to that day." Dana bit her lip and stared at her dirty hands, half moons of dirt lay beneath her fingernails. Part of her wanted to climb down into the grave with him. Pulling clods of soil over her like a blanket until she suffocated. The other part of her, his voice, disembodied and residing within her, rationalized that there was indeed work to be done, and the business of living. "I'll be fine." Patented response perfected by loneliness. He started the car, looking over his shoulder as he pulled onto the main road. She sighed, but did not look back. The End. Gosh, I hope that wasn't too morbid, I just didn't have the courage to kill him in the last story, I had to work that angst out. The next one will be happier, I promise.


End file.
